Dear Jon,
I'm at a loss as to how to start this. All the words I had in my head last night have evaporated, leaving only clouds of thought in my mind. I think we clash... We're opposite in materialism, the way we were raised, expectations, conscientiousness, forethought, hobbies... even our outlooks on partying. And I don't feel like I can ignore how this is making me feel any longer. I feel like you're too childish and random for me and I'm too stubborn and argumentative for you. I love you dearly honey, but something needs to change. I don't know if that something is going to be within us or US, but it needs to happen or I can't do this anymore. I feel like we don't make enough time for each other. Your definition of quality time is being in the same vicinity; mine is talking for hours. That means you're satisfied and I'm not. There's no 'magic' between us unless I'm drunk or high. What kind of passion is that? Not something that's going to last. I've found that I can't appreciate your constantly wondrous outlook on life, and instead it just pisses me off and makes me feel like you're too easy distracted and engaged in things other than myself. I feel like you're oblivious to how your actions affect me. Sometimes all I want to be happy is to hold your hand, even one finger, but you don't see this and pull away to pay attention to whatever has just caught your eye. I know you love me Jon but it's hard to feel loved with you sometimes. And that's not the kind of relationship I ever intended to be in.
I want to be someone's 'girl'... Someone's baby, someone's girlfriend, someone's sweetheart. And right now, I only feel like I'm your friend. Maybe I expect too much, or maybe I don't appreciate what you do enough. If you think that this is the case then tell me. I can try and change, too. But point blank, I can't do what we've been doing. It is not going to work. We're too different and too incompatible.
I'm unhappy Jon. The trip to DC highlighted a lot of things that are wrong in our relationship, like you thinking I was personally attacking you by correcting you and then you jumping down my throat. Why wouldn't you walk next to me? I felt like you ignored me for the majority of the trip. I don't know what that mess was, but I absolutely will not tolerate that. Maybe you were overwhelmed by everything we were seeing, but if you'd taken a moment you would have noticed that I wanted to be with you.
I'm not really sure where this leaves us. I guess we're going to have a talk. I want to be optimistic but there are a lot of dysfunctions between us. You don't seem to notice them, but it's a problem for me. So here you go.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Hooligan Spirit
I'm writing again! =) I should be using this time to work on school but I'm more entertained by the idea of getting down all that I need to say to myself and my journalistic desire to record everything I go through so I can appreciate where I am at one day. Or maybe I'll just think this is stupid, and I was being childish. Who knows?
Outline for you:
1. Jon's drinking and our relationship
2. UNC and work
Let's begin.
So our relationship - going well, but we have a lot of things to work out. I always had issues with being left out or not being invited to social things when I was in high school. Even though I was wildly popular, whenever there was a single tiny get-together and I didn't know about it, I would fixate and become extremely depressed because I felt like people didn't like me or want to be around me. Now fast-forward to college. I'm 18, and I don't have a fake ID. I live with a 22 year old and a 23 year old, both guys. Both of them drink, although Jon drinks because he likes the taste and whatever, while Trey drinks because Jon drinks. I don't like the taste of beer, and I was raised in a household where drinking alcohol was a taboo topic because of salient alcoholism on both sides of the family. Now that I'm living with Jon, his drinking is starting to get to me. At first I just disliked when he went out with his friends to bars, and I couldn't go because I was too young and most of the bars here don't allow 18 and up, even if you are the intended DD. So I would huff and sulk and pout and then get angry that he would be out having fun and I couldn't come with him, and the same insecurities from high school came back. From there, I started to hate how he acted when he was ranging from slightly tipsy to pretty damn intoxicated. When he started to bring the alcohol home, constantly stocking the fridge with either Bud Light or Blue Moon, I came to dread whenever he would open one and drink it, regardless of the circumstance or time.
Then our neighbors started inviting themselves over. Mikayla is a heavy drinker, and Robert (they're both early to mid-twenties) would always come over with a beer in hand. Robert has a 4 year old son, named Peyton, who is honestly the cutest child you can imagine; huge blue eyes, shaggy blonde hair, innocent and loving to show off. I would steal that child in a heartbeat. And that's where my dislike of them began. They would smoke and drink even when Peyton was in the room with them, and this made me so angry that I stopped hanging out with them when they came over. Once they started inviting themselves over to drink and smoke, my disdain for them was mixed with Jon's drinking, and I would stop coming downstairs and being any sort of affectionate to Jon at all. I started telling him that if he drank even one sip of alcohol, I wouldn't kiss him for the rest of the night.
And I didn't. He cried one night when I refused to even come into contact with him. But I was so mad at him for excluding me (because I don't like beer) and our neighbors for ignoring and leaving their child alone that I didn't care. I was sick of it, and so the arguments started. I didn't want to tell Jon that my disdain of alcohol stemmed from being left out, and not necessarily the taste, because I thought he would just say I was being dumb and wouldn't understand that being left out hits deep for me.
(A similar thing was happening with smoking, too. I hated how he acted when he was high unless I was high, too. But he would smoke when I wasn't home, and so I would get back from working to find him either stoned off his ass and giddy or tipsy and annoying, neither of which I wanted to deal with after having to go to school and then go straight to work.)
We still have this issue. We went to Tennessee for our 6-month (his parents have a house up there) and talked all the way up, while we were there, and all the way back down. I think we resolved a lot of issues but I still hate the thought of him smoking or drinking. I already don't like going to parties with him because he doesn't understand how to act when you bring your serious girlfriend to a party, and I feel even more left out than if I'd stayed at home. That's not how a relationship should be, you know? I want to feel like I'm both important to him and that he wants me to enjoy what he's enjoying, but neither of those wishes are happening.
I don't know what to do. I try to talk to guy friends about it but they don't really get where I'm coming from. Marena is being crazy and a whore so I have separated myself from that hot mess. I guess I need to take a moment out to talk with Kailie... Maybe next weekend when Jon is gone for a few days. That might be good. I just need to come up with a solution soon. I hate that I hate what he's doing... But he's also not trying to change. He told me directly that his drinking habits were never going to change, and I told him neither was my attitude. Where do we go from here? It's killing me.
2. UNC is nice, I guess. Classes are insanely hard... Way harder than I thought they would be. My highest grade (besides papers, which are nothing) is an 84. Ouch. This is coming from the girl who has a 3.8 at her last college. I really feel like I've been slapped in the face by reality... And how I'm not actually as smart as I thought I was. I finally quit my job at Champps so that I'll have more time for school. My last day is Halloween morning! That's only 3 shifts away, because I'm working tonight, a double tomorrow, and then my final shift on Sunday morning. I'm going to try to make as much money as possible, and the scheduling manager, Dan, said I could call him 2 weeks before I decide that I want to work for them again (so I'll be going back over Christmas break). Dad has offered to give me several hundred dollars a month so that I can still pay for rent and have some spending money left over.
Oh! I forgot one more update. I went to a tanning bed on Thursday. =P It was a little awkward and kind of scary because I wasn't sure what to expect but I think I like it! I did a hydration massage and red light therapy on the same day, too. I plan to go again (tanning) on Sunday and then do the three spa service sets again on Monday (I'm going to try to start tanning every few days, because I've been looking really pale in comparison to the other girls here at UNC.
That's all for now. It's time for class. See ya! Nice chat.
Outline for you:
1. Jon's drinking and our relationship
2. UNC and work
Let's begin.
So our relationship - going well, but we have a lot of things to work out. I always had issues with being left out or not being invited to social things when I was in high school. Even though I was wildly popular, whenever there was a single tiny get-together and I didn't know about it, I would fixate and become extremely depressed because I felt like people didn't like me or want to be around me. Now fast-forward to college. I'm 18, and I don't have a fake ID. I live with a 22 year old and a 23 year old, both guys. Both of them drink, although Jon drinks because he likes the taste and whatever, while Trey drinks because Jon drinks. I don't like the taste of beer, and I was raised in a household where drinking alcohol was a taboo topic because of salient alcoholism on both sides of the family. Now that I'm living with Jon, his drinking is starting to get to me. At first I just disliked when he went out with his friends to bars, and I couldn't go because I was too young and most of the bars here don't allow 18 and up, even if you are the intended DD. So I would huff and sulk and pout and then get angry that he would be out having fun and I couldn't come with him, and the same insecurities from high school came back. From there, I started to hate how he acted when he was ranging from slightly tipsy to pretty damn intoxicated. When he started to bring the alcohol home, constantly stocking the fridge with either Bud Light or Blue Moon, I came to dread whenever he would open one and drink it, regardless of the circumstance or time.
Then our neighbors started inviting themselves over. Mikayla is a heavy drinker, and Robert (they're both early to mid-twenties) would always come over with a beer in hand. Robert has a 4 year old son, named Peyton, who is honestly the cutest child you can imagine; huge blue eyes, shaggy blonde hair, innocent and loving to show off. I would steal that child in a heartbeat. And that's where my dislike of them began. They would smoke and drink even when Peyton was in the room with them, and this made me so angry that I stopped hanging out with them when they came over. Once they started inviting themselves over to drink and smoke, my disdain for them was mixed with Jon's drinking, and I would stop coming downstairs and being any sort of affectionate to Jon at all. I started telling him that if he drank even one sip of alcohol, I wouldn't kiss him for the rest of the night.
And I didn't. He cried one night when I refused to even come into contact with him. But I was so mad at him for excluding me (because I don't like beer) and our neighbors for ignoring and leaving their child alone that I didn't care. I was sick of it, and so the arguments started. I didn't want to tell Jon that my disdain of alcohol stemmed from being left out, and not necessarily the taste, because I thought he would just say I was being dumb and wouldn't understand that being left out hits deep for me.
(A similar thing was happening with smoking, too. I hated how he acted when he was high unless I was high, too. But he would smoke when I wasn't home, and so I would get back from working to find him either stoned off his ass and giddy or tipsy and annoying, neither of which I wanted to deal with after having to go to school and then go straight to work.)
We still have this issue. We went to Tennessee for our 6-month (his parents have a house up there) and talked all the way up, while we were there, and all the way back down. I think we resolved a lot of issues but I still hate the thought of him smoking or drinking. I already don't like going to parties with him because he doesn't understand how to act when you bring your serious girlfriend to a party, and I feel even more left out than if I'd stayed at home. That's not how a relationship should be, you know? I want to feel like I'm both important to him and that he wants me to enjoy what he's enjoying, but neither of those wishes are happening.
I don't know what to do. I try to talk to guy friends about it but they don't really get where I'm coming from. Marena is being crazy and a whore so I have separated myself from that hot mess. I guess I need to take a moment out to talk with Kailie... Maybe next weekend when Jon is gone for a few days. That might be good. I just need to come up with a solution soon. I hate that I hate what he's doing... But he's also not trying to change. He told me directly that his drinking habits were never going to change, and I told him neither was my attitude. Where do we go from here? It's killing me.
2. UNC is nice, I guess. Classes are insanely hard... Way harder than I thought they would be. My highest grade (besides papers, which are nothing) is an 84. Ouch. This is coming from the girl who has a 3.8 at her last college. I really feel like I've been slapped in the face by reality... And how I'm not actually as smart as I thought I was. I finally quit my job at Champps so that I'll have more time for school. My last day is Halloween morning! That's only 3 shifts away, because I'm working tonight, a double tomorrow, and then my final shift on Sunday morning. I'm going to try to make as much money as possible, and the scheduling manager, Dan, said I could call him 2 weeks before I decide that I want to work for them again (so I'll be going back over Christmas break). Dad has offered to give me several hundred dollars a month so that I can still pay for rent and have some spending money left over.
Oh! I forgot one more update. I went to a tanning bed on Thursday. =P It was a little awkward and kind of scary because I wasn't sure what to expect but I think I like it! I did a hydration massage and red light therapy on the same day, too. I plan to go again (tanning) on Sunday and then do the three spa service sets again on Monday (I'm going to try to start tanning every few days, because I've been looking really pale in comparison to the other girls here at UNC.
That's all for now. It's time for class. See ya! Nice chat.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Fading Dreams
Life has changed... Things are so different than how they last were. Jon got an apartment in Hillsborough with his childhood friend Trey. I got a puppy but was told I couldn't keep it at home. My parents won't let me stay at my house if the dog is with me, so I've been living with Jon. I've been working as a waitress for about a month now. The money is nice but I don't get home until late in the night. It's 2am as I write this, and I wasn't home until an hour ago. I'm being slowly worn down.
I started school at UNC. It's a lot of homework, but the class material isn't hard. I have to do genetics and psychology homework once I'm done writing this. I'm probably changing my major, also.
I hate that I've no choice (besides give away my puppy) other than to stay and live with Jon. Neither of us is ready; I can see it in our conversation. I hope that we can make it work... But we have little issues that need to be worked out before I'll get optimistic about this. He's asleep next to me now... I've been trying to help him in Spanish but it doesn't click for him like it does for me.
I've been so sad recently... I got over my strange sickness and have been recurrently sad in the late evenings. I don't know why, though. Maybe it's stress.
I miss my family a lot. I want to go home and see them every day, but recently I've been averaging twice a week. It hurts. I don't want Jon to know how homesick I am, but at the same time it's hard because he and I both have packed schedules that don't coincide well. I miss him nearly as much as I miss the family... Even though I see him every day.
I never, ever imagined that we'd have the relationship we do. He has plans to marry me... Kids and all that... Whereas a year ago we were just starting to flirt again. I like it, and I love him, but it's strange to think about... About how much can change in a year. One year ago, I was in Ohio with Corey, celebrating his birthday with his family. Tomorrow is Corey's 21st birthday. I may text him in the morning but definitely not in the evening... His drunk texts are the last thing I need right now. It's amazing how he went from my everything to my annoyance. He was what gave me purpose, and now he's just a frustration in the form of text messages. And this same time last year, Jon was pushing back into my life. A month from now, one year ago, Jon and I first kissed. My intimacy with Corey ended, and began with Jon. I transitioned from safety to the thrills of someone new, someone who wasn't emotionally depleting, someone who made me feel good about myself, someone who made me feel wanted. I'm just lucky it worked out the way it did... That Jon was/is no longer a player, and that he has the maturity and passivity I need in my life. He's good for me... He's teaching me. I'm a little insecure with him but we also haven't intimately known each other for long. I need to stop comparing nearly 5 months to 2 years. It's not fair to anyone involved...
And that includes myself.
I started school at UNC. It's a lot of homework, but the class material isn't hard. I have to do genetics and psychology homework once I'm done writing this. I'm probably changing my major, also.
I hate that I've no choice (besides give away my puppy) other than to stay and live with Jon. Neither of us is ready; I can see it in our conversation. I hope that we can make it work... But we have little issues that need to be worked out before I'll get optimistic about this. He's asleep next to me now... I've been trying to help him in Spanish but it doesn't click for him like it does for me.
I've been so sad recently... I got over my strange sickness and have been recurrently sad in the late evenings. I don't know why, though. Maybe it's stress.
I miss my family a lot. I want to go home and see them every day, but recently I've been averaging twice a week. It hurts. I don't want Jon to know how homesick I am, but at the same time it's hard because he and I both have packed schedules that don't coincide well. I miss him nearly as much as I miss the family... Even though I see him every day.
I never, ever imagined that we'd have the relationship we do. He has plans to marry me... Kids and all that... Whereas a year ago we were just starting to flirt again. I like it, and I love him, but it's strange to think about... About how much can change in a year. One year ago, I was in Ohio with Corey, celebrating his birthday with his family. Tomorrow is Corey's 21st birthday. I may text him in the morning but definitely not in the evening... His drunk texts are the last thing I need right now. It's amazing how he went from my everything to my annoyance. He was what gave me purpose, and now he's just a frustration in the form of text messages. And this same time last year, Jon was pushing back into my life. A month from now, one year ago, Jon and I first kissed. My intimacy with Corey ended, and began with Jon. I transitioned from safety to the thrills of someone new, someone who wasn't emotionally depleting, someone who made me feel good about myself, someone who made me feel wanted. I'm just lucky it worked out the way it did... That Jon was/is no longer a player, and that he has the maturity and passivity I need in my life. He's good for me... He's teaching me. I'm a little insecure with him but we also haven't intimately known each other for long. I need to stop comparing nearly 5 months to 2 years. It's not fair to anyone involved...
And that includes myself.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Congratulations! It's...
NOT YOURS!
=)
Emma isn't Jon's! How fantastical. I'm glad we can get away from the sadness and skankiness of this ordeal now. Actually I've known this information for a while... But I've been too busy to sit down and write.
Today, Jon and I have been officially together for 3 months.
=)
Emma isn't Jon's! How fantastical. I'm glad we can get away from the sadness and skankiness of this ordeal now. Actually I've known this information for a while... But I've been too busy to sit down and write.
Today, Jon and I have been officially together for 3 months.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Inexpressable
I've been staring at this blank entry for moments now. Sometimes when I'm writing a paper, I wish to myself that I could just draw my pencil across the page, and the places where my letters need to be would be slightly raised, like when you do leaf prints with crayons, and my whole paper would be there when the pencil runs over the words. That's how I wish this post could be... But since it's virtual, I wish I could highlight the entire section and see what I'm going to write. I just want the words to appear for me; perfectly expressed, perfectly spelled, everything I want to convey already done for me; the tangle of thoughts in my mind finally unwound and laid out to organize and analyze. It's like each individual neuron is a thought, and the neurons interconnect and cross and overlap and split into all the other neurons. You would have to cut the cross-hairs of them to have each thought to itself, but then you lose the integrity of it.
I have two things I want to put down tonight before I go to bed. The first is the tree from which the second branches off of. I've mentioned this to Jon a few times, but I never told him what it was in its entirety.
Everyone starts out perfect. It is their imperfections we fall in love with. Every personality piece, every reaction to action, every freckle on a person's skin or fleck of color in a person's iris... The differentiation from perfection causes interest, curiosity, the desire to understand. Every split end of hair is something to study, every nerve impulse something to analyze. The biological functions, the physiological artwork, the psychological processing, all of it conforms to a mess of carbon, organs, weakness and beauty.
The excess from the human mold allows for cracks and dissociations between intent and result. Is free will what causes your imperfections? Without imperfections, you are perfect. God is perfect. Do you choose your differences or does God allow you this choice? Through your choices, you allow for the biological matchmaking to occur, which is supposedly the purpose of life. If God allows purpose, and ultimately gives you purpose, would he allow you to never make the decisions which affect this? Or does He choose with whom your brain's chemistry reacts? Is His power more in you or in your mate? The brain is meant for pairing; humans need a mate. Love, in its chemical underpinnings, is nothing more than hormonal changes. But, these hormones cause disconnections and reconnections through neurons. The rewiring of your brain is a result of love.
I have to build onto that but I just fell asleep. Maybe later.
I have two things I want to put down tonight before I go to bed. The first is the tree from which the second branches off of. I've mentioned this to Jon a few times, but I never told him what it was in its entirety.
Everyone starts out perfect. It is their imperfections we fall in love with. Every personality piece, every reaction to action, every freckle on a person's skin or fleck of color in a person's iris... The differentiation from perfection causes interest, curiosity, the desire to understand. Every split end of hair is something to study, every nerve impulse something to analyze. The biological functions, the physiological artwork, the psychological processing, all of it conforms to a mess of carbon, organs, weakness and beauty.
The excess from the human mold allows for cracks and dissociations between intent and result. Is free will what causes your imperfections? Without imperfections, you are perfect. God is perfect. Do you choose your differences or does God allow you this choice? Through your choices, you allow for the biological matchmaking to occur, which is supposedly the purpose of life. If God allows purpose, and ultimately gives you purpose, would he allow you to never make the decisions which affect this? Or does He choose with whom your brain's chemistry reacts? Is His power more in you or in your mate? The brain is meant for pairing; humans need a mate. Love, in its chemical underpinnings, is nothing more than hormonal changes. But, these hormones cause disconnections and reconnections through neurons. The rewiring of your brain is a result of love.
I have to build onto that but I just fell asleep. Maybe later.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Stimulation Apathy -Title Unrelated
In this entry:
1. Overall Update
- Blog dynamics
- Corey
- Jon
2. Work and Life
Let's get started!
Sorry it's been a while. I'm not really apologizing to you guys... More so to myself. What's interesting about this blog is that I created it to get away from guilt... to not allow a past boyfriend to read what I was writing. This is pretty immature of me, I'll admit. But I don't plan to go back on my decision, even though he recently emailed me to tell me of his new blog. Maybe I felt a little shame at that, yeah... But this blog is ultimately for my own good.
Things with Jon are going well. I love the type of boyfriend I can see him becoming. With Darin, I constantly worried about our communication... I would also mention this to him, wondering if it would ever get better. What I realize now, though, is that it wasn't the communication that bothered me; it was the connection we didn't have. I just told myself it was communication because I needed a way to verbalize my problems with him.
With Jon, I have no preoccupations with fundamental disconnects in our relationship. There are stressful situations, sure, like how we both work often and maintain really busy lives. But we're making this work, and honestly, though I will never compare my first serious relationship with anyone else, (because they were different times in my life, and that makes them incomparable to me) I'm really enjoying how we get to see each other regularly (by this I mean there are only a couple days between the times I see him). I could live with this. ;P
But, life continues to keep me on my toes, and now I have something I need to get off my chest. Brace yourself.
Jon and I went to the beach 2 weeks ago, and on Friday night we stayed at his sister's apartment in Wilmington. She was out of town and we wanted to do stuff in that city the next day. So we're sitting on the couch and his mom calls him, and she starts to belittle him about not being there for his nephew and nieces (their mother just divorced [the nephew is 8, one niece is 2 and the other is 1] and is currently living with the rest of the family at home) because he works full-time and then goes straight to his room when he gets home. She tells him he needs to be there especially for the nephew, because there's no father-figure for him. Jon takes her criticism to heart, and when he gets off the phone and explains the situation to me, he starts crying. He and I talk about the things going on in his life, and I tell him I don't think he's as confident and he wants himself to be, and he's really just a boy being forced to grow up and be a father-figure too soon. A this, he turns around (his head was in my lap because I was stroking his hair) and looks at me and says "Jorden, I've been hiding something from you, and I really think you need to know what's been going on." At this my heart rate quickens, because I automatically think he's going to say he's been cheating on me or some other betrayal-type deal.
Instead, he continues with this: "Remember in October when you went to visit Corey?" To which I say, "Yeah, it was the 9th through the 14th, fall break. Why?" He responds, "Well, I had sex with someone while you were away." At this I'm relieved, because even though Jon and I had kissed by then, we hadn't done anything like have sex. I didn't consider this any type of betrayal, and let myself smile a little inside. I prepared to tell him this didn't matter to me, but he broke in: "I might be the father of this kid that's gonna be born in about 2 weeks." And my heart sinks. All I could do was stare at him, dumb-founded.
He goes on: "It's a girl, her name is going to be Emma. I haven't been able to ever be completely comfortable with you because I've been keeping this secret from you for so long. That's another reason why I didn't talk to you in December... the mom, Sarah, texted me saying 'you got me pregnant,' and I couldn't deal with that stress on top of us not being together anymore. I have this fucking illegitimate child and I couldn't bear to think of how you'd respond. But you and my mom keep mentioning being a father-figure, and every time you say that, it makes me feel worse. You know how you kept saying that I haven't been myself this week? That's why. Sarah texted me on Sunday simply saying '3 weeks' and it's been eating at me all this time." By now, he's sobbing. I can't look at him anymore and shift my body away to focus on the coffee table in front of me.
"I've been trying to get to know Sarah but she won't let me. She'll text me one week saying 'I don't want you in my child's life' and then the next week say 'you better help me with this child.'" The words rush out of his mouth, hurried and strained. I still can't make eye contact with him. He keeps talking to fill the silence. "But, I've seen her 4 times since October, and over those few times she's told me I am 1 of 3 potential fathers. She had unprotected sex with her ex-boyfriend, and unprotected sex with another guy. I used a condom." I'm not sure whether to allow myself to relax or not. This entire time I've been thinking about the difficulties he would face having to support this psycho mom and her illegit kid. "Well fuck" is what I keep thinking, over and over. I finally am able to speak to him: "So what's your plan?" I ask, careful not to let my shock seep into my tone. "I hope to financially support her and her child as well as I can, and I want to be there for the kid. for Emma. I don't want to have anything to do with the mom, but the kid, yeah."
He and I are silent for moments. I finally turn and look at him, and smile. I've decided this isn't a big enough to deal for me to be as stressed as I am. He literally only has an 8% chance or less of being the father.
"When will you do a paternity test?" I ask, trying to sound upbeat and nonchalant, like we both know it'll come back negative. I want to cheer him up. "As soon as I can." is his answer. "Then we don't have anything to worry about right now," I soothe. One stressed out person is enough to deal with. I decide to put my thoughts away until he's asleep, and then ponder what all this could mean for us. Later on he tells me he hadn't imagined our conversation going the way it did, and had originally planned out everything he was going to say and how he was going to say it. He had been waiting for the right time, when our relationship was strong enough to where I would be open-minded but not long enough for me to feel guilt about walking away. Before we went to bed, he asked, "So you're not going to leave me?" Wrongly deciding on sarcasm, I respond: "I have to get home somehow," and flash a wry smile. He cringes. "That's what I'm most afraid of." I frown, realizing he's not ready to make fun of the situation, and reassure him that I don't plan on leaving any time soon.
Well hello there, reality. Thanks for bringing me back.
The baby is due 1 week from today. I'm assuming Jon will do testing soon after she's born. The results may take a few weeks, though. You can't pray for a biological miracle. You can pray for peace of mind, though.
Back to insignificance.
The doctor said I have tendinitis in my left ankle. I haven't started the Ibuprofen (or Alleve) yet. I've had pain for at least 6 months... But I'm not big on going to the doctor.
I'm working 3 jobs this summer. I plan to put all money from 2 of them into savings, 100 into my high-interest savings account each month, and the rest will be spending money. This is my attempt at becoming financially responsible.
Speaking of which, Jon and I briefly glanced at apartments that would be convenient for both of us. I'm not sure if we're ready for that yet, but it's fun to look. Don't judge me! Don't judge us, for that matter.
School starts August 24th! I'm coming, UNC. Actually, I'm intimidated. I'm worried for the course load and how I'm going to manage my time.
That's enough for today.
1. Overall Update
- Blog dynamics
- Corey
- Jon
2. Work and Life
Let's get started!
Sorry it's been a while. I'm not really apologizing to you guys... More so to myself. What's interesting about this blog is that I created it to get away from guilt... to not allow a past boyfriend to read what I was writing. This is pretty immature of me, I'll admit. But I don't plan to go back on my decision, even though he recently emailed me to tell me of his new blog. Maybe I felt a little shame at that, yeah... But this blog is ultimately for my own good.
Things with Jon are going well. I love the type of boyfriend I can see him becoming. With Darin, I constantly worried about our communication... I would also mention this to him, wondering if it would ever get better. What I realize now, though, is that it wasn't the communication that bothered me; it was the connection we didn't have. I just told myself it was communication because I needed a way to verbalize my problems with him.
With Jon, I have no preoccupations with fundamental disconnects in our relationship. There are stressful situations, sure, like how we both work often and maintain really busy lives. But we're making this work, and honestly, though I will never compare my first serious relationship with anyone else, (because they were different times in my life, and that makes them incomparable to me) I'm really enjoying how we get to see each other regularly (by this I mean there are only a couple days between the times I see him). I could live with this. ;P
But, life continues to keep me on my toes, and now I have something I need to get off my chest. Brace yourself.
Jon and I went to the beach 2 weeks ago, and on Friday night we stayed at his sister's apartment in Wilmington. She was out of town and we wanted to do stuff in that city the next day. So we're sitting on the couch and his mom calls him, and she starts to belittle him about not being there for his nephew and nieces (their mother just divorced [the nephew is 8, one niece is 2 and the other is 1] and is currently living with the rest of the family at home) because he works full-time and then goes straight to his room when he gets home. She tells him he needs to be there especially for the nephew, because there's no father-figure for him. Jon takes her criticism to heart, and when he gets off the phone and explains the situation to me, he starts crying. He and I talk about the things going on in his life, and I tell him I don't think he's as confident and he wants himself to be, and he's really just a boy being forced to grow up and be a father-figure too soon. A this, he turns around (his head was in my lap because I was stroking his hair) and looks at me and says "Jorden, I've been hiding something from you, and I really think you need to know what's been going on." At this my heart rate quickens, because I automatically think he's going to say he's been cheating on me or some other betrayal-type deal.
Instead, he continues with this: "Remember in October when you went to visit Corey?" To which I say, "Yeah, it was the 9th through the 14th, fall break. Why?" He responds, "Well, I had sex with someone while you were away." At this I'm relieved, because even though Jon and I had kissed by then, we hadn't done anything like have sex. I didn't consider this any type of betrayal, and let myself smile a little inside. I prepared to tell him this didn't matter to me, but he broke in: "I might be the father of this kid that's gonna be born in about 2 weeks." And my heart sinks. All I could do was stare at him, dumb-founded.
He goes on: "It's a girl, her name is going to be Emma. I haven't been able to ever be completely comfortable with you because I've been keeping this secret from you for so long. That's another reason why I didn't talk to you in December... the mom, Sarah, texted me saying 'you got me pregnant,' and I couldn't deal with that stress on top of us not being together anymore. I have this fucking illegitimate child and I couldn't bear to think of how you'd respond. But you and my mom keep mentioning being a father-figure, and every time you say that, it makes me feel worse. You know how you kept saying that I haven't been myself this week? That's why. Sarah texted me on Sunday simply saying '3 weeks' and it's been eating at me all this time." By now, he's sobbing. I can't look at him anymore and shift my body away to focus on the coffee table in front of me.
"I've been trying to get to know Sarah but she won't let me. She'll text me one week saying 'I don't want you in my child's life' and then the next week say 'you better help me with this child.'" The words rush out of his mouth, hurried and strained. I still can't make eye contact with him. He keeps talking to fill the silence. "But, I've seen her 4 times since October, and over those few times she's told me I am 1 of 3 potential fathers. She had unprotected sex with her ex-boyfriend, and unprotected sex with another guy. I used a condom." I'm not sure whether to allow myself to relax or not. This entire time I've been thinking about the difficulties he would face having to support this psycho mom and her illegit kid. "Well fuck" is what I keep thinking, over and over. I finally am able to speak to him: "So what's your plan?" I ask, careful not to let my shock seep into my tone. "I hope to financially support her and her child as well as I can, and I want to be there for the kid. for Emma. I don't want to have anything to do with the mom, but the kid, yeah."
He and I are silent for moments. I finally turn and look at him, and smile. I've decided this isn't a big enough to deal for me to be as stressed as I am. He literally only has an 8% chance or less of being the father.
"When will you do a paternity test?" I ask, trying to sound upbeat and nonchalant, like we both know it'll come back negative. I want to cheer him up. "As soon as I can." is his answer. "Then we don't have anything to worry about right now," I soothe. One stressed out person is enough to deal with. I decide to put my thoughts away until he's asleep, and then ponder what all this could mean for us. Later on he tells me he hadn't imagined our conversation going the way it did, and had originally planned out everything he was going to say and how he was going to say it. He had been waiting for the right time, when our relationship was strong enough to where I would be open-minded but not long enough for me to feel guilt about walking away. Before we went to bed, he asked, "So you're not going to leave me?" Wrongly deciding on sarcasm, I respond: "I have to get home somehow," and flash a wry smile. He cringes. "That's what I'm most afraid of." I frown, realizing he's not ready to make fun of the situation, and reassure him that I don't plan on leaving any time soon.
Well hello there, reality. Thanks for bringing me back.
The baby is due 1 week from today. I'm assuming Jon will do testing soon after she's born. The results may take a few weeks, though. You can't pray for a biological miracle. You can pray for peace of mind, though.
Back to insignificance.
The doctor said I have tendinitis in my left ankle. I haven't started the Ibuprofen (or Alleve) yet. I've had pain for at least 6 months... But I'm not big on going to the doctor.
I'm working 3 jobs this summer. I plan to put all money from 2 of them into savings, 100 into my high-interest savings account each month, and the rest will be spending money. This is my attempt at becoming financially responsible.
Speaking of which, Jon and I briefly glanced at apartments that would be convenient for both of us. I'm not sure if we're ready for that yet, but it's fun to look. Don't judge me! Don't judge us, for that matter.
School starts August 24th! I'm coming, UNC. Actually, I'm intimidated. I'm worried for the course load and how I'm going to manage my time.
That's enough for today.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Now The Update
All right.
I'mma just post a conversation I had with a friend. That'll sum it up more easily.
Mateo
so hows things?
talk with boy at all about the stuff we talked about?
JJ ex oh ex oh
when did you and i last talk?
Mateo
idk, couple 3 4 days ago
JJ ex oh ex oh
kk
friday night he told me he was going to fall in love with me soon
he was a lil post-drunk
Mateo
drunk person words are a sober persons thoughts
JJ ex oh ex oh
saturday night we went to a party together, i got drunk (DRUNK) off of one 7% berr
hahh
Mateo
jesus
JJ ex oh ex oh
i know.
sunday he told me he was truly in love with me (we were laying in bed)
i didn't say it back
yesterday he told me he was still absolutely in love with me
and i said even after one day?
and he said yes
JJ ex oh ex oh
hahhhhahah
but i didn't say it back
the end?
Mateo
jeeze, lol
JJ ex oh ex oh
yah
Mateo
so hows things going with that awkwardness
JJ ex oh ex oh
it's not awkward at all
i think that while i love him, i'm not in love with him
but he says that you "love" your friends and family
but are "in love" with your significant other
so if i told him i loved him, it wouldn't be significant to him
almost like a kick in the balls
JJ ex oh ex oh
but i KNOW i'm not in love with him
and i don't wanna lie to him, or bullshit him
like things were starting to be good for me, like a level i could handle
but now this is here
and it's like hey, what's up, let's up this whole committment/intimate thing
intimacy* would be proper grammar
i spelled commitment wrong
damn it
Mateo
not worried about spelling right now
JJ ex oh ex oh
i am!
Mateo
so not majorly worried, but it is in your mind, correct?
JJ ex oh ex oh
so that's where we're at. and we have really intimate moments, which i adore.
uhm well
i don't feel pressured to say it back
and he knows i won't until i want to
so i guess i'm glad he's open with me?
Mateo
but you feel kinda bad that hes thrown himself out there and you havent
JJ ex oh ex oh
exactly
i feel like i need to be more open with him, even on a general basis
i wish i could allow myself to be vulnerable
but i'm too protected
i truly want to put myself out there for him, but i can't
idk why
but i just stay so closed
JJ ex oh ex oh
he says constantly that he gets butterflies when talking to me
JJ ex oh ex oh
sometimes when i'm about to turn into his driveway, or when i'm waiting for him somewhere. like i'm excited to see him
i mean i want to feel romantic, intimate butterflies with him
i'm just happy
overwhelmingly happy
like last night
this is cute
JJ ex oh ex oh
we're going to the beach in a couple weeks and we're driving down together. he says he wants to drive because then he can drive us both back up here to my graduation, because he wants to come
and him saying that made me so happy, i cried
Hmm. Whatcha think guys?
I'mma just post a conversation I had with a friend. That'll sum it up more easily.
Mateo
so hows things?
talk with boy at all about the stuff we talked about?
JJ ex oh ex oh
when did you and i last talk?
Mateo
idk, couple 3 4 days ago
JJ ex oh ex oh
kk
friday night he told me he was going to fall in love with me soon
he was a lil post-drunk
Mateo
drunk person words are a sober persons thoughts
JJ ex oh ex oh
saturday night we went to a party together, i got drunk (DRUNK) off of one 7% berr
hahh
Mateo
jesus
JJ ex oh ex oh
i know.
sunday he told me he was truly in love with me (we were laying in bed)
i didn't say it back
yesterday he told me he was still absolutely in love with me
and i said even after one day?
and he said yes
JJ ex oh ex oh
hahhhhahah
but i didn't say it back
the end?
Mateo
jeeze, lol
JJ ex oh ex oh
yah
Mateo
so hows things going with that awkwardness
JJ ex oh ex oh
it's not awkward at all
i think that while i love him, i'm not in love with him
but he says that you "love" your friends and family
but are "in love" with your significant other
so if i told him i loved him, it wouldn't be significant to him
almost like a kick in the balls
JJ ex oh ex oh
but i KNOW i'm not in love with him
and i don't wanna lie to him, or bullshit him
like things were starting to be good for me, like a level i could handle
but now this is here
and it's like hey, what's up, let's up this whole committment/intimate thing
intimacy* would be proper grammar
i spelled commitment wrong
damn it
Mateo
not worried about spelling right now
JJ ex oh ex oh
i am!
Mateo
so not majorly worried, but it is in your mind, correct?
JJ ex oh ex oh
so that's where we're at. and we have really intimate moments, which i adore.
uhm well
i don't feel pressured to say it back
and he knows i won't until i want to
so i guess i'm glad he's open with me?
Mateo
but you feel kinda bad that hes thrown himself out there and you havent
JJ ex oh ex oh
exactly
i feel like i need to be more open with him, even on a general basis
i wish i could allow myself to be vulnerable
but i'm too protected
i truly want to put myself out there for him, but i can't
idk why
but i just stay so closed
JJ ex oh ex oh
he says constantly that he gets butterflies when talking to me
JJ ex oh ex oh
sometimes when i'm about to turn into his driveway, or when i'm waiting for him somewhere. like i'm excited to see him
i mean i want to feel romantic, intimate butterflies with him
i'm just happy
overwhelmingly happy
like last night
this is cute
JJ ex oh ex oh
we're going to the beach in a couple weeks and we're driving down together. he says he wants to drive because then he can drive us both back up here to my graduation, because he wants to come
and him saying that made me so happy, i cried
Hmm. Whatcha think guys?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Conceptualization
Have you ever thought about how we are born of the Earth, and the Earth is a planet born of the destruction of other planets and stars? And what if we are stars in and of ourselves? And we're made of compounds... molecules... strings of elements... and those elements are made of atoms? But atoms are protons and electrons and neutrons. What if there is a whole other category of classification so much bigger than what any of us can fathom... a whole other level of breakdown of the classification of life that we just cannot contemplate? And that is just another secret of the universe? It's just so big to consider! Like a whole other system to the universe... maybe we need to stop thinking about the small things that are tangible (atoms, protons, chemical properties of elements) and transverse to things they don't teach in books... concepts not even considered yet. But the mind can't handle that! Alternate realities are hard enough to grasp. The mind is so limited in its understanding. It's built upon distinct, discernible facts, stored via chemical pathways in our neurons... but all of this is appreciable, observable. How can you contemplate something that transcends that?
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Apologies and Symphonies
Well, hi, you. How are you? Doing well? Yeah, I'm doing all right. Let's update you, shall we?
I'm going to make an outline of the things I want to talk about. I need to put down all these crazy thoughts!
1. Darin
2. Mom's boyfriend
3. Life --- school, work, etc
3.5. This blog
4. Jon
1. Darin
I broke up with Darin March 29th. I was going to do it in person but it was getting late before he could come over so I decided to save him the gas and time and just call. He took it well. He was very pragmatic about the whole situation, stating that if I were older he would attempt to convince me to stay in the relationship, but he understood that "a long-distance relationship on someone as young as" (that's the reason I gave btw) was inconsiderate and selfish of him. Well... okay, that's cool. Whatever way you want to take it.
So everything is fine and dandy, until stuff with Jon starts to happen (I'll explain that in section 4, promise!), so I IM Darin to let him know, "hey, I'm going to date Jon now, just so ya know," thinking this would be polite of me. He responds with this catty, disrespectful retort of how Jon doesn't deserve me, but as Darin says this, he also says he's happy for me and only wants the best (apparently "the best" does not include Jon in his book). He also posts this on my Facebook wall:
"Hey Jorden, I'm sorry if you were offended earlier, I'm honest like that though and I think you're an awesome girl, deserving of the best. Regardless of what I say, I'm happy for you. Take care."
I do not take this well, and decide that Darin and I are done talking for a while. He later deleted me, then re-added me. I sent him a message asking when he had removed me as a friend, and he replied with this:
"Hey Jorden, I deleted you because seeing you online reminded me of us and it was hard. Training here is no joke and I realize that my career choice was a big part of why we ended. Seeing the nice girl I left back in NC made me sad and want to talk to you. Knowing that wouldn't do any good, I deleted you off here to clear my head. Training is still a bitch but things are good. Hows life on your end?"
I didn't respond. He truly nauseates me now.
2. Mom's boyfriend
Mom has a new boyfriend, named Jim. He's cool. Yeah I don't have anything else to say.
3. Life
I'm on summer break now. Summer school starts on Tuesday, TTH 1230-330. I'm only taking Spanish 3. I'm currently looking for a new job, most likely waittressing because it's easy money and I can maintain that kind of job through UNC. I can go to the gym up to 6 days a week if I want, so that's refreshing. I'm really just excited to have time to do things now.
3.5 This blog
Well, here's what's up:
I actually started another blog. I'm not gonna tell you what it's called, or what account it's under, because I may abandon it. I wanted to start a new one because it's bothered me for a while and I wanted, as I put it in the blog, a "fresh start." But the need to give all the background information was too overwhelming, so I came back to this one. I'll be changing the name again, too.
4. Jon
=)
All right... So this is Jon... He's pretty cool...
Jon and I met in the Spring semester of 2009. We had statistics together at 9 am MWF. At first, he was just the kid in the white hat that stared at me from the left side of the room. We made eye contact every now and then, and one day he approached me. We talked about math (because we didn't know if we had anything else in common yet), and left it at that. The next time we walked together to our next classes, we found out we were both homeschooled, and as I said bye to walk to biology, I noticed one of his blue eyes was 1/4 brown. It caught my attention for sure (I know this sounds super cheesy... just chill, okay?). He walked me down the halls almost every day we had class together, and we developed something of a friendship. We became Facebook friends, texted, IMed, even webcammed some of the time.
Then he got a job offer in Miami with a banner towing business. He dropped all classes and moved mid-semester. While he lived in Miami, we continued to text and IM. We were still friends, and had created a really good friendship. I'm not gonna lie and say we didn't flirt, either. But I was with Corey, so I knew it wouldn't be going anywhere.
One day, after repeatedly having told Jon I didn't want to be as flirtatious as we had been, Jon and I got into an argument and stopped talking altogether. Our communication had been off and on anyway, but this instance was the last straw, and it was called completely off. We didn't talk for a few months.
Hello Fall semester. A little ways through the semester, I was walking down the stairs to the second floor of the main building when I saw, guess who, Jon! He was walking past to a different building. We made brief eye-contact but didn't say anything to each other. That night, either he or I IMed the other, and Jon and I slowly became friends again. I won't go into details, but the job in Miami had ended and he was back in school to get his degree. Jon and I started spending a lot of time together. We were with each other in the library constantly, we hung out whenever we both had free time at school, I went over to his house, met his parents and siblings and nieces and nephews... It was great. Jon and I were practically best friends.
My and Corey's relationship began to go downhill. Neither of us had much time to devote to each other. We snapped, we vented, we took stress out on each other in the worst ways. I turned to Jon for support, opening up to him about the difficulties in the relationship. He was incredibly helpful, and I loved having him to talk to.
Corey and I broke up in November. Almost immediately, my and Jon's friendship changed. The attraction and chemistry between us was nearly palpable... His hugs gave me butterflies now, and our first kiss happened shortly thereafter.
I'm not going to go into great detail. I want to hurry up and finish this post so I can write another... I just want these in chronological order!
Jon and I became pretty involved. However, the guilt I felt over what had happened between Corey and myself, and the conflicting emotional pain over being with Jon but not over Corey took its toll on me. I told Jon we needed to stop seeing each other in early December.
I played the singleness for a couple months, and then started dating Darin. I don't want to talk about Darin.
Jon and I stopped being friends for a while. Neither of us wanted to approach the other, and we lived totally separate lives. The only interaction we had was at school. As the school year progressed we started texting and IMing occasionally, and he invited me over one night. We sat on his bed and talked, and then started to kiss. It started getting heated, and I pulled back and asked him how he thought we could jump right back into something like this after not being friends for so long. He and I then both told each other everything that had happened emotionally to us since we started talking. We told each other our feelings toward each other, and both described, from our own points of view, everything that had gone through our minds since we met.
I ended up crying on his bed with him holding me. I told him I was scared I had ruined all chances I had with him because I'd hurt him. I then wiped my face and said I needed to leave.
Jon and I didn't talk for a few weeks. Then, one Friday, I had to stay behind in Chemistry because I had a question. Rather than immediately answering my question, the teacher set up the next class's exam before answering me. Jon happened to have Chemistry immediately after me, so this was his exam. I waited at the head of the classroom while the teacher walked around, handing out exams. I glanced over at Jon and caught him staring at me. I stuck out my tongue, and he smiled and looked down toward his exam.
That afternoon he texted me, saying he'd been thinking of me all day. I asked why, and he said that ever since I'd stuck out my tongue he hadn't been able to get me out of his mind. He suggested we hang out soon, and I agreed.
I came over to his house the next day. We watched a documentary and when it was over he and I started talking, and that led to kissing. I left his house late that night. The next day he invited me over again, and the same thing happened. On Monday I texted him and told him I wanted to know where we currently stood, because I didn't like the insecurity and instability in what we had been doing over the weekend. He told me to come over that night so we could have a meeting.
That evening he asked me what were the pros and cons of us dating. I was shocked. Dating hadn't even crossed my mind, and he hadn't had a "true" girlfriend in two years. I listened to him and me talk myself into it. I didn't think we should jump into a relationship, but I was willing to try and make it work.
The relationship is going beautifully. We're incredibly close, and I consider him one of my "good" (although not quite "best") friends. =) Yay! We've been dating for nearly a month now.
I'm going to make an outline of the things I want to talk about. I need to put down all these crazy thoughts!
1. Darin
2. Mom's boyfriend
3. Life --- school, work, etc
3.5. This blog
4. Jon
1. Darin
I broke up with Darin March 29th. I was going to do it in person but it was getting late before he could come over so I decided to save him the gas and time and just call. He took it well. He was very pragmatic about the whole situation, stating that if I were older he would attempt to convince me to stay in the relationship, but he understood that "a long-distance relationship on someone as young as" (that's the reason I gave btw) was inconsiderate and selfish of him. Well... okay, that's cool. Whatever way you want to take it.
So everything is fine and dandy, until stuff with Jon starts to happen (I'll explain that in section 4, promise!), so I IM Darin to let him know, "hey, I'm going to date Jon now, just so ya know," thinking this would be polite of me. He responds with this catty, disrespectful retort of how Jon doesn't deserve me, but as Darin says this, he also says he's happy for me and only wants the best (apparently "the best" does not include Jon in his book). He also posts this on my Facebook wall:
"Hey Jorden, I'm sorry if you were offended earlier, I'm honest like that though and I think you're an awesome girl, deserving of the best. Regardless of what I say, I'm happy for you. Take care."
I do not take this well, and decide that Darin and I are done talking for a while. He later deleted me, then re-added me. I sent him a message asking when he had removed me as a friend, and he replied with this:
"Hey Jorden, I deleted you because seeing you online reminded me of us and it was hard. Training here is no joke and I realize that my career choice was a big part of why we ended. Seeing the nice girl I left back in NC made me sad and want to talk to you. Knowing that wouldn't do any good, I deleted you off here to clear my head. Training is still a bitch but things are good. Hows life on your end?"
I didn't respond. He truly nauseates me now.
2. Mom's boyfriend
Mom has a new boyfriend, named Jim. He's cool. Yeah I don't have anything else to say.
3. Life
I'm on summer break now. Summer school starts on Tuesday, TTH 1230-330. I'm only taking Spanish 3. I'm currently looking for a new job, most likely waittressing because it's easy money and I can maintain that kind of job through UNC. I can go to the gym up to 6 days a week if I want, so that's refreshing. I'm really just excited to have time to do things now.
3.5 This blog
Well, here's what's up:
I actually started another blog. I'm not gonna tell you what it's called, or what account it's under, because I may abandon it. I wanted to start a new one because it's bothered me for a while and I wanted, as I put it in the blog, a "fresh start." But the need to give all the background information was too overwhelming, so I came back to this one. I'll be changing the name again, too.
4. Jon
=)
All right... So this is Jon... He's pretty cool...
Jon and I met in the Spring semester of 2009. We had statistics together at 9 am MWF. At first, he was just the kid in the white hat that stared at me from the left side of the room. We made eye contact every now and then, and one day he approached me. We talked about math (because we didn't know if we had anything else in common yet), and left it at that. The next time we walked together to our next classes, we found out we were both homeschooled, and as I said bye to walk to biology, I noticed one of his blue eyes was 1/4 brown. It caught my attention for sure (I know this sounds super cheesy... just chill, okay?). He walked me down the halls almost every day we had class together, and we developed something of a friendship. We became Facebook friends, texted, IMed, even webcammed some of the time.
Then he got a job offer in Miami with a banner towing business. He dropped all classes and moved mid-semester. While he lived in Miami, we continued to text and IM. We were still friends, and had created a really good friendship. I'm not gonna lie and say we didn't flirt, either. But I was with Corey, so I knew it wouldn't be going anywhere.
One day, after repeatedly having told Jon I didn't want to be as flirtatious as we had been, Jon and I got into an argument and stopped talking altogether. Our communication had been off and on anyway, but this instance was the last straw, and it was called completely off. We didn't talk for a few months.
Hello Fall semester. A little ways through the semester, I was walking down the stairs to the second floor of the main building when I saw, guess who, Jon! He was walking past to a different building. We made brief eye-contact but didn't say anything to each other. That night, either he or I IMed the other, and Jon and I slowly became friends again. I won't go into details, but the job in Miami had ended and he was back in school to get his degree. Jon and I started spending a lot of time together. We were with each other in the library constantly, we hung out whenever we both had free time at school, I went over to his house, met his parents and siblings and nieces and nephews... It was great. Jon and I were practically best friends.
My and Corey's relationship began to go downhill. Neither of us had much time to devote to each other. We snapped, we vented, we took stress out on each other in the worst ways. I turned to Jon for support, opening up to him about the difficulties in the relationship. He was incredibly helpful, and I loved having him to talk to.
Corey and I broke up in November. Almost immediately, my and Jon's friendship changed. The attraction and chemistry between us was nearly palpable... His hugs gave me butterflies now, and our first kiss happened shortly thereafter.
I'm not going to go into great detail. I want to hurry up and finish this post so I can write another... I just want these in chronological order!
Jon and I became pretty involved. However, the guilt I felt over what had happened between Corey and myself, and the conflicting emotional pain over being with Jon but not over Corey took its toll on me. I told Jon we needed to stop seeing each other in early December.
I played the singleness for a couple months, and then started dating Darin. I don't want to talk about Darin.
Jon and I stopped being friends for a while. Neither of us wanted to approach the other, and we lived totally separate lives. The only interaction we had was at school. As the school year progressed we started texting and IMing occasionally, and he invited me over one night. We sat on his bed and talked, and then started to kiss. It started getting heated, and I pulled back and asked him how he thought we could jump right back into something like this after not being friends for so long. He and I then both told each other everything that had happened emotionally to us since we started talking. We told each other our feelings toward each other, and both described, from our own points of view, everything that had gone through our minds since we met.
I ended up crying on his bed with him holding me. I told him I was scared I had ruined all chances I had with him because I'd hurt him. I then wiped my face and said I needed to leave.
Jon and I didn't talk for a few weeks. Then, one Friday, I had to stay behind in Chemistry because I had a question. Rather than immediately answering my question, the teacher set up the next class's exam before answering me. Jon happened to have Chemistry immediately after me, so this was his exam. I waited at the head of the classroom while the teacher walked around, handing out exams. I glanced over at Jon and caught him staring at me. I stuck out my tongue, and he smiled and looked down toward his exam.
That afternoon he texted me, saying he'd been thinking of me all day. I asked why, and he said that ever since I'd stuck out my tongue he hadn't been able to get me out of his mind. He suggested we hang out soon, and I agreed.
I came over to his house the next day. We watched a documentary and when it was over he and I started talking, and that led to kissing. I left his house late that night. The next day he invited me over again, and the same thing happened. On Monday I texted him and told him I wanted to know where we currently stood, because I didn't like the insecurity and instability in what we had been doing over the weekend. He told me to come over that night so we could have a meeting.
That evening he asked me what were the pros and cons of us dating. I was shocked. Dating hadn't even crossed my mind, and he hadn't had a "true" girlfriend in two years. I listened to him and me talk myself into it. I didn't think we should jump into a relationship, but I was willing to try and make it work.
The relationship is going beautifully. We're incredibly close, and I consider him one of my "good" (although not quite "best") friends. =) Yay! We've been dating for nearly a month now.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Do I sound crazy?
Excuse the poor capitalization and such... Just rambling right now... I need to make this into something beautiful.
it's the kind of paradox where you don't even know how to begin. there's so much information with so little importance. guilt, fear, understanding... all plagues of regret. and although you'd give anything to go back, and fix that problem that now is in your face, you have to realize that the glass box isn't ready to be broken, and you are a mime to another person's world. the best thing you can do is be expressive, interpretive, and present.
In their raw forms, all beautiful things that are man-made begin ugly.
Do I sound crazy?
it's the kind of paradox where you don't even know how to begin. there's so much information with so little importance. guilt, fear, understanding... all plagues of regret. and although you'd give anything to go back, and fix that problem that now is in your face, you have to realize that the glass box isn't ready to be broken, and you are a mime to another person's world. the best thing you can do is be expressive, interpretive, and present.
In their raw forms, all beautiful things that are man-made begin ugly.
Do I sound crazy?
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Powerless
See this picture? Pretend those silly people aren't standing there, and it's actually you, or me, or your loved one(s), whatever, doesn't matter. We'll use me as the example since it'll be easier to understand.
I am stationary as cars fly by. My speed to theirs is an impossible ratio. 50 MPH, 60 MPH, 70, 80, 90; it doesn't matter. The speedometer could break and it wouldn't make a difference. The tide of flashing lights is against me, wind whipping by me, a current of punctuality. I try to move, to avoid the mirrors and sides of the yellow taxis and shiny, expensive cars, but they're closing in, scraping my arms and leaving paint on my legs. I am in slow motion, powerless to the oncoming pain.
I brace myself. I can see it, several yards ahead, aimed toward me like I was its future lane of travel. It merges into my side, breaking bones and cracking ribs, eager to make it to the final destination. The means do not matter.
I gasp. The pain is unreal, yet slowly increasing. Everything is in slow motion, except for when the car hits. A slow approach, a fast, painful impact, and a tedious seeping of pain throughout my body.
Looking up, more yellow cars are on their way. I am an obstacle, but not a permanent one. Not metal; closer to glass is how I shatter.
The cars bear toward me. One clips my foot, another my opposite side, and finally a direct hit to the left side of my body. It spins me away, collapsing, onto the street. I am the connection between two lanes of travel now. It's only a matter of time until the severance is delivered.
The slothful approach of yellow destruction; the black rubber casually nearing my body. The gradual cringe searches the outskirts of my body, bringing everything in for protection.
And then the end. A fast, devastating end to a terrifying nightmare. The spinal damage creates no pain, and as I slip away, the cars move on. No looking back, no regrets, no thoughts.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Short Chapter!
I've decided I want to break up with Darin. Here's what happened:
He was being super possessive at this party on Saturday... Like, I left the basement to go get a sandwich out of my car and I told him I was going outside to eat and he said, "Kk, that's cool." But then one of my guy friends went outside with me to get something out of his truck, and Darin comes up from the basement after a few minutes and was looking out the window and out the door, looking around for me, then comes out and walks over to my car and asks me what I'm doing(this is a minute after he texted me saying "What are you doing?"). He walks up and asks that same question, and I say "Uhh just eating my sandwich," so he starts talking to my guy friend, Will, the guy who walked outside with me. Then Darin goes back inside and I walk up to the porch and sit on the swing with my buddy Jon and his friend Noah. Will walks up and they started talking about how Darin had been acting funny and searching around for me. Kind of strange and obsessive behavior.
So fast forward one hour, I've got the munchies, so I ask Will if he'll drive over to Harris Teeter to buy food. He says yeah, so I tell Darin "Hey I'm gonna go get food with Will, be back in a bit," (btw, Will and I go to school together so we know each other pretty well. We leave to get food and a few minutes later Darin texts me and asks me where I am. I told him that we went to Burger King because Will wanted that food instead of Harris Teeter, and so we were then sitting in the parking lot eating. Darin then calls and says "Where are you? What are you doing?" and I told him the same thing again. Darin then responds with "Kk, well come back soon," and I say yeah sure and hang up. Then when I get back he texts me:
"Where are you?"
"Upstairs."
"Why don't you come downstairs?"
"I'm hanging with Jon, Will, and Noah."
"So come down here."
"I'm hanging with them..."
"So you can't come down here"
I didn't respond to him because he was pissing me off, but eventually we all went downstairs. Darin started being really obnoxious... Like... Smacking my ass and saying really crude things... which was weird because it was a chill party, not a crazy one, ya know? He was being really belligerent and loud and sexually inappropriate for that specific crowd. After 20 minutes he demands to leave (this is around 230) but I had already pledged to a game of beer pong so I said "No, lemme finish this game," and he says "I fucking hate beer pong," and walks off. I'm just like kk whatever dude... So I finish the game and he comes back and says "Let's go." I say sure bud, and we left. As I followed him back to his place I considered calling Marena but my phone had died and it was 3 AM. I was so mad at how dismissive he was being that I pretended to pass out when we got there so I wouldn't have to be affectionate with him.
I woke up Sunday morning around 12, we got breakfast, wasted time, and then I decided to show him this funny website, and it ended up sparking a conversation about chatroulette. We went onto chatroulette and I started talking to some dude. Darin looked a little bored, so I asked him if he wanted me to get off, and he said "No, it's fine." So ya know, whatever, that process repeats for about 6 minute... I asked him 3 times if he wanted me to get off and he continually said no. He got up after a couple more minutes and said "I'm gonna read," so he grabbed a book and then sat back down in the room. I asked him again, 2 more times, if he wanted me to get off and he said "No, it's cool baby," so I didn't. Then he slammed his book, stood up, and said "This is retarded," and stormed out of the room. I got up, walked over to him and said,
"Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing then tell me straight up and stop bullshitting," and he responded with some stupid excuse so I said, "No, that's not a reason, you need to be honest with me when something bothers you or else I won't know."
And that's the end... We had a little fight but that's not important.
I'm done with him. The question is when to dump him. Should I do it this weekend... Or maybe in a month when I can blame it on the distance (he leaves for Quantico on Tuesday, the 30th)? I'm thinking just chill for a bit then call it off so that he doesn't flip a shit and get mad because I'm breaking up based on personal reasons... Rather than the situation of the relationship. And honestly I'm not in a hurry to date someone else so I can afford to just chill and let him off easy. However, I most likely will see him tonight because he wants to hang out before he leaves tomorrow. So I could easily do it tonight and be done with it all... And just bullshit him by saying it just hit me that I'm getting back into a long-distance relationship and I really don't want to do that all over again.
He was being super possessive at this party on Saturday... Like, I left the basement to go get a sandwich out of my car and I told him I was going outside to eat and he said, "Kk, that's cool." But then one of my guy friends went outside with me to get something out of his truck, and Darin comes up from the basement after a few minutes and was looking out the window and out the door, looking around for me, then comes out and walks over to my car and asks me what I'm doing(this is a minute after he texted me saying "What are you doing?"). He walks up and asks that same question, and I say "Uhh just eating my sandwich," so he starts talking to my guy friend, Will, the guy who walked outside with me. Then Darin goes back inside and I walk up to the porch and sit on the swing with my buddy Jon and his friend Noah. Will walks up and they started talking about how Darin had been acting funny and searching around for me. Kind of strange and obsessive behavior.
So fast forward one hour, I've got the munchies, so I ask Will if he'll drive over to Harris Teeter to buy food. He says yeah, so I tell Darin "Hey I'm gonna go get food with Will, be back in a bit," (btw, Will and I go to school together so we know each other pretty well. We leave to get food and a few minutes later Darin texts me and asks me where I am. I told him that we went to Burger King because Will wanted that food instead of Harris Teeter, and so we were then sitting in the parking lot eating. Darin then calls and says "Where are you? What are you doing?" and I told him the same thing again. Darin then responds with "Kk, well come back soon," and I say yeah sure and hang up. Then when I get back he texts me:
"Where are you?"
"Upstairs."
"Why don't you come downstairs?"
"I'm hanging with Jon, Will, and Noah."
"So come down here."
"I'm hanging with them..."
"So you can't come down here"
I didn't respond to him because he was pissing me off, but eventually we all went downstairs. Darin started being really obnoxious... Like... Smacking my ass and saying really crude things... which was weird because it was a chill party, not a crazy one, ya know? He was being really belligerent and loud and sexually inappropriate for that specific crowd. After 20 minutes he demands to leave (this is around 230) but I had already pledged to a game of beer pong so I said "No, lemme finish this game," and he says "I fucking hate beer pong," and walks off. I'm just like kk whatever dude... So I finish the game and he comes back and says "Let's go." I say sure bud, and we left. As I followed him back to his place I considered calling Marena but my phone had died and it was 3 AM. I was so mad at how dismissive he was being that I pretended to pass out when we got there so I wouldn't have to be affectionate with him.
I woke up Sunday morning around 12, we got breakfast, wasted time, and then I decided to show him this funny website, and it ended up sparking a conversation about chatroulette. We went onto chatroulette and I started talking to some dude. Darin looked a little bored, so I asked him if he wanted me to get off, and he said "No, it's fine." So ya know, whatever, that process repeats for about 6 minute... I asked him 3 times if he wanted me to get off and he continually said no. He got up after a couple more minutes and said "I'm gonna read," so he grabbed a book and then sat back down in the room. I asked him again, 2 more times, if he wanted me to get off and he said "No, it's cool baby," so I didn't. Then he slammed his book, stood up, and said "This is retarded," and stormed out of the room. I got up, walked over to him and said,
"Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing then tell me straight up and stop bullshitting," and he responded with some stupid excuse so I said, "No, that's not a reason, you need to be honest with me when something bothers you or else I won't know."
And that's the end... We had a little fight but that's not important.
I'm done with him. The question is when to dump him. Should I do it this weekend... Or maybe in a month when I can blame it on the distance (he leaves for Quantico on Tuesday, the 30th)? I'm thinking just chill for a bit then call it off so that he doesn't flip a shit and get mad because I'm breaking up based on personal reasons... Rather than the situation of the relationship. And honestly I'm not in a hurry to date someone else so I can afford to just chill and let him off easy. However, I most likely will see him tonight because he wants to hang out before he leaves tomorrow. So I could easily do it tonight and be done with it all... And just bullshit him by saying it just hit me that I'm getting back into a long-distance relationship and I really don't want to do that all over again.
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Tattoo and an Epiphany
I just had an epiphany and I have to write this down NOW.
I shouldn't be dating right now. Dating is not beneficial for me. And I'm not over my ex. BUT, what I just realized is this: I'm not over him because I don't need to be over him yet! It's been about four months since Corey and I broke up. That's NOTHING compared to two years! Sometimes I wonder if I'm dating my current guy to fill a void... As if he is a placeholder. I also think I'm just too ready to become an adult. And you can't go back after you grow up, ya know?
I got my first tattoo! It says Deo Juvante, in the andalus font. It's on my right shoulder blade. Beautiful.
I shouldn't be dating right now. Dating is not beneficial for me. And I'm not over my ex. BUT, what I just realized is this: I'm not over him because I don't need to be over him yet! It's been about four months since Corey and I broke up. That's NOTHING compared to two years! Sometimes I wonder if I'm dating my current guy to fill a void... As if he is a placeholder. I also think I'm just too ready to become an adult. And you can't go back after you grow up, ya know?
I got my first tattoo! It says Deo Juvante, in the andalus font. It's on my right shoulder blade. Beautiful.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Time to Get Legit.
Yeahyeah, haven't written in a while. I think, from here on out, I'll get legit. I'll start running in the mornings. I'll stop drinking. I'll stop all things that would be looked down upon. I'll finally slim down. I'll keep the room clean. Take school seriously.
I hope.
I like how only one person reads this blog. It makes me feel like it's a diary. Plus typing is a lot faster than writing.
I hope.
I like how only one person reads this blog. It makes me feel like it's a diary. Plus typing is a lot faster than writing.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Whatta Crazy Weekend
I was in a car accident Friday night. I was driving to work in the pouring rain, and I'd been going fairly slowly compared to how I usually drive. The car started to hydroplane, and I wiggled the wheel, thinking it would stop like it always does, but this time it didn't. I kept rolling off to the side. I saw I was going to be in the grass, and had a brief thought that maybe once I was there I would have some traction. I turned the wheel slightly, ready to curve back onto the road, but the ground was so saturated with water that there was zero traction. Looking up, I saw that I was aimed at a barbed wire fence, a telephone pole, two wooden posts and a road sign. I hit them all, curling up in my seat and covering my head. I didn't say anything... I just thought about how I was going to die or be paralyzed or seriously injured. The car came to a stop right in front of another wooden post of the barbed wire fence. I looked up and then dashed out of the car, pushing against the barbed wire, ripping my clothes and cutting into my side. I just wanted to get away from the mangled metal and shattered wood. I ran and then turned and stood in the pouring rain, just staring at the wreckage. A car pulled up and the person got out, checking to see if I was kk. He stood with me until my mom came to get me.
It's Sunday now. My back and neck are killing me. I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. My lymph nodes are incredibly swollen, too. My tonsils are the largest I've ever seen them... When I swallow, some of the food gets rejected because of the soreness and how swollen my throat is. The back of my head and my neck are so incredibly stiff. I think I may have a double ear infection, too... My sense of balance has gone to shit.
Interesting weekend. Welcome to being 18.
It's Sunday now. My back and neck are killing me. I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. My lymph nodes are incredibly swollen, too. My tonsils are the largest I've ever seen them... When I swallow, some of the food gets rejected because of the soreness and how swollen my throat is. The back of my head and my neck are so incredibly stiff. I think I may have a double ear infection, too... My sense of balance has gone to shit.
Interesting weekend. Welcome to being 18.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Not.
I finally took down all the remaining post-it notes and photos of him. I started to cry when the photos were off the wall. I couldn't stop staring at his face and thinking about everything I'd be missing out on... And how finding someone like him is going to be impossible... Improbable... I don't know what word I want to use. It seems like every time I have the pre-period emotional mess, I want to text him and tell him I still love him and just get confirmation that he still loves me. But I can't do that, ya know? I can't think about him in that way for the next two years. But seeing all the photos of us together... Of him holding his nephews, of us holding each other, of his parents and just of him smiling... It kills me.
I took it all down... Saved a few pictures and put the post-its into my hiding place. No more of this.
I have been eating a lot recently. Not gaining weight, but definitely eating a lot more than usual. I should cut that out. I have no restraint when it comes to food. I wish I did. Sometimes after a big meal I want to go throw up like how I used to. I wasn't happy then, but I felt better about myself. Now I just tell myself to not do it, and that there are other ways to not feel as bloated. But the temptation is still there. I wrote a horrible, messed up poem thing about wanting to be anorexic. It's mainly saying how I wish I were hungry... That I hunger to be hungry... It's a giant, continuous play on different ways of expressing a desire to eat or describing how hungry you are. A desire for anorexia.. How messed up is that?
I need to respect my body more. Fast-food is like nutritional smoking. If I wouldn't let myself smoke, why do I let myself eat gross and unhealthy food? It's silly. Come on now, Jj. You're better than this. Lose the God-damned weight, you fat ass.
I took it all down... Saved a few pictures and put the post-its into my hiding place. No more of this.
I have been eating a lot recently. Not gaining weight, but definitely eating a lot more than usual. I should cut that out. I have no restraint when it comes to food. I wish I did. Sometimes after a big meal I want to go throw up like how I used to. I wasn't happy then, but I felt better about myself. Now I just tell myself to not do it, and that there are other ways to not feel as bloated. But the temptation is still there. I wrote a horrible, messed up poem thing about wanting to be anorexic. It's mainly saying how I wish I were hungry... That I hunger to be hungry... It's a giant, continuous play on different ways of expressing a desire to eat or describing how hungry you are. A desire for anorexia.. How messed up is that?
I need to respect my body more. Fast-food is like nutritional smoking. If I wouldn't let myself smoke, why do I let myself eat gross and unhealthy food? It's silly. Come on now, Jj. You're better than this. Lose the God-damned weight, you fat ass.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Run
Imagine this...
You're running, and as you go around and around the track, it seems like the distance shortens. The finish line is closer every time you look up. But does this mean that things are getting easier, or that you have less to run for?
And what if you notice you're running more slowly with each lap? Every time you complete something, you have to try even harder to finish the next, even though it looks easier?
And what if you're racing someone? And even though your track is on the inside, they're gaining on you?
And what if you don't know why this is happening?
You're running, and as you go around and around the track, it seems like the distance shortens. The finish line is closer every time you look up. But does this mean that things are getting easier, or that you have less to run for?
And what if you notice you're running more slowly with each lap? Every time you complete something, you have to try even harder to finish the next, even though it looks easier?
And what if you're racing someone? And even though your track is on the inside, they're gaining on you?
And what if you don't know why this is happening?
Monday, January 25, 2010
BLAH.BLAH.BLAH.
Back to life. I'm taking microbiology, zoology, sociology, chemistry 2, and abnormal psychology. Fun stuff, yeah??? No. But I'm gonna learn a lot so that's exciting.
I quit Panera. I've finally got weekends free.
Uhh. I think that's all.
24 (that's what I call the marine among my friends) invited me to his coworker's birthday barbecue thing next Saturday. How legit!
I quit Panera. I've finally got weekends free.
Uhh. I think that's all.
24 (that's what I call the marine among my friends) invited me to his coworker's birthday barbecue thing next Saturday. How legit!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Whatta fattie.
I took a good look at myself today in Nordstrom's mirrors. They have it set up so that you can see yourself from behind, the side, and obviously the front. I'm sort of chubby. Like, there's just a little bit too much to love going on. Thankfully I'll be able to go to the gym way more often with school starting back up. I think I'll try to do two classes and run two miles (army fit test) every time I go. Also, I've resolved that I will eat nothing but natural foods (fruit, veggies, NO BREAD, minimal yogurt, only white meat, NOTHING PROCESSED, NO FAST FOOD, etc.) until I weigh less than 130. As in, I'm in the 120s. I want to get down to 120, because that's the last time I was actually happy with what I weighed. I'm sort of a blub right now. I mean, yeah, I have huge-ass boobs and a gigantorama butt. But no 17-almost-18 yr old girl wants a gut like a 23 yr old beta male and cellulite beginning to show. I'm too young to be unattractive! So beginning now, no shit food. And minimal calories, too. My metabolism is too slow for me to eat as much as I usually do.
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