I've been staring at this blank entry for moments now. Sometimes when I'm writing a paper, I wish to myself that I could just draw my pencil across the page, and the places where my letters need to be would be slightly raised, like when you do leaf prints with crayons, and my whole paper would be there when the pencil runs over the words. That's how I wish this post could be... But since it's virtual, I wish I could highlight the entire section and see what I'm going to write. I just want the words to appear for me; perfectly expressed, perfectly spelled, everything I want to convey already done for me; the tangle of thoughts in my mind finally unwound and laid out to organize and analyze. It's like each individual neuron is a thought, and the neurons interconnect and cross and overlap and split into all the other neurons. You would have to cut the cross-hairs of them to have each thought to itself, but then you lose the integrity of it.
I have two things I want to put down tonight before I go to bed. The first is the tree from which the second branches off of. I've mentioned this to Jon a few times, but I never told him what it was in its entirety.
Everyone starts out perfect. It is their imperfections we fall in love with. Every personality piece, every reaction to action, every freckle on a person's skin or fleck of color in a person's iris... The differentiation from perfection causes interest, curiosity, the desire to understand. Every split end of hair is something to study, every nerve impulse something to analyze. The biological functions, the physiological artwork, the psychological processing, all of it conforms to a mess of carbon, organs, weakness and beauty.
The excess from the human mold allows for cracks and dissociations between intent and result. Is free will what causes your imperfections? Without imperfections, you are perfect. God is perfect. Do you choose your differences or does God allow you this choice? Through your choices, you allow for the biological matchmaking to occur, which is supposedly the purpose of life. If God allows purpose, and ultimately gives you purpose, would he allow you to never make the decisions which affect this? Or does He choose with whom your brain's chemistry reacts? Is His power more in you or in your mate? The brain is meant for pairing; humans need a mate. Love, in its chemical underpinnings, is nothing more than hormonal changes. But, these hormones cause disconnections and reconnections through neurons. The rewiring of your brain is a result of love.
I have to build onto that but I just fell asleep. Maybe later.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Stimulation Apathy -Title Unrelated
In this entry:
1. Overall Update
- Blog dynamics
- Corey
- Jon
2. Work and Life
Let's get started!
Sorry it's been a while. I'm not really apologizing to you guys... More so to myself. What's interesting about this blog is that I created it to get away from guilt... to not allow a past boyfriend to read what I was writing. This is pretty immature of me, I'll admit. But I don't plan to go back on my decision, even though he recently emailed me to tell me of his new blog. Maybe I felt a little shame at that, yeah... But this blog is ultimately for my own good.
Things with Jon are going well. I love the type of boyfriend I can see him becoming. With Darin, I constantly worried about our communication... I would also mention this to him, wondering if it would ever get better. What I realize now, though, is that it wasn't the communication that bothered me; it was the connection we didn't have. I just told myself it was communication because I needed a way to verbalize my problems with him.
With Jon, I have no preoccupations with fundamental disconnects in our relationship. There are stressful situations, sure, like how we both work often and maintain really busy lives. But we're making this work, and honestly, though I will never compare my first serious relationship with anyone else, (because they were different times in my life, and that makes them incomparable to me) I'm really enjoying how we get to see each other regularly (by this I mean there are only a couple days between the times I see him). I could live with this. ;P
But, life continues to keep me on my toes, and now I have something I need to get off my chest. Brace yourself.
Jon and I went to the beach 2 weeks ago, and on Friday night we stayed at his sister's apartment in Wilmington. She was out of town and we wanted to do stuff in that city the next day. So we're sitting on the couch and his mom calls him, and she starts to belittle him about not being there for his nephew and nieces (their mother just divorced [the nephew is 8, one niece is 2 and the other is 1] and is currently living with the rest of the family at home) because he works full-time and then goes straight to his room when he gets home. She tells him he needs to be there especially for the nephew, because there's no father-figure for him. Jon takes her criticism to heart, and when he gets off the phone and explains the situation to me, he starts crying. He and I talk about the things going on in his life, and I tell him I don't think he's as confident and he wants himself to be, and he's really just a boy being forced to grow up and be a father-figure too soon. A this, he turns around (his head was in my lap because I was stroking his hair) and looks at me and says "Jorden, I've been hiding something from you, and I really think you need to know what's been going on." At this my heart rate quickens, because I automatically think he's going to say he's been cheating on me or some other betrayal-type deal.
Instead, he continues with this: "Remember in October when you went to visit Corey?" To which I say, "Yeah, it was the 9th through the 14th, fall break. Why?" He responds, "Well, I had sex with someone while you were away." At this I'm relieved, because even though Jon and I had kissed by then, we hadn't done anything like have sex. I didn't consider this any type of betrayal, and let myself smile a little inside. I prepared to tell him this didn't matter to me, but he broke in: "I might be the father of this kid that's gonna be born in about 2 weeks." And my heart sinks. All I could do was stare at him, dumb-founded.
He goes on: "It's a girl, her name is going to be Emma. I haven't been able to ever be completely comfortable with you because I've been keeping this secret from you for so long. That's another reason why I didn't talk to you in December... the mom, Sarah, texted me saying 'you got me pregnant,' and I couldn't deal with that stress on top of us not being together anymore. I have this fucking illegitimate child and I couldn't bear to think of how you'd respond. But you and my mom keep mentioning being a father-figure, and every time you say that, it makes me feel worse. You know how you kept saying that I haven't been myself this week? That's why. Sarah texted me on Sunday simply saying '3 weeks' and it's been eating at me all this time." By now, he's sobbing. I can't look at him anymore and shift my body away to focus on the coffee table in front of me.
"I've been trying to get to know Sarah but she won't let me. She'll text me one week saying 'I don't want you in my child's life' and then the next week say 'you better help me with this child.'" The words rush out of his mouth, hurried and strained. I still can't make eye contact with him. He keeps talking to fill the silence. "But, I've seen her 4 times since October, and over those few times she's told me I am 1 of 3 potential fathers. She had unprotected sex with her ex-boyfriend, and unprotected sex with another guy. I used a condom." I'm not sure whether to allow myself to relax or not. This entire time I've been thinking about the difficulties he would face having to support this psycho mom and her illegit kid. "Well fuck" is what I keep thinking, over and over. I finally am able to speak to him: "So what's your plan?" I ask, careful not to let my shock seep into my tone. "I hope to financially support her and her child as well as I can, and I want to be there for the kid. for Emma. I don't want to have anything to do with the mom, but the kid, yeah."
He and I are silent for moments. I finally turn and look at him, and smile. I've decided this isn't a big enough to deal for me to be as stressed as I am. He literally only has an 8% chance or less of being the father.
"When will you do a paternity test?" I ask, trying to sound upbeat and nonchalant, like we both know it'll come back negative. I want to cheer him up. "As soon as I can." is his answer. "Then we don't have anything to worry about right now," I soothe. One stressed out person is enough to deal with. I decide to put my thoughts away until he's asleep, and then ponder what all this could mean for us. Later on he tells me he hadn't imagined our conversation going the way it did, and had originally planned out everything he was going to say and how he was going to say it. He had been waiting for the right time, when our relationship was strong enough to where I would be open-minded but not long enough for me to feel guilt about walking away. Before we went to bed, he asked, "So you're not going to leave me?" Wrongly deciding on sarcasm, I respond: "I have to get home somehow," and flash a wry smile. He cringes. "That's what I'm most afraid of." I frown, realizing he's not ready to make fun of the situation, and reassure him that I don't plan on leaving any time soon.
Well hello there, reality. Thanks for bringing me back.
The baby is due 1 week from today. I'm assuming Jon will do testing soon after she's born. The results may take a few weeks, though. You can't pray for a biological miracle. You can pray for peace of mind, though.
Back to insignificance.
The doctor said I have tendinitis in my left ankle. I haven't started the Ibuprofen (or Alleve) yet. I've had pain for at least 6 months... But I'm not big on going to the doctor.
I'm working 3 jobs this summer. I plan to put all money from 2 of them into savings, 100 into my high-interest savings account each month, and the rest will be spending money. This is my attempt at becoming financially responsible.
Speaking of which, Jon and I briefly glanced at apartments that would be convenient for both of us. I'm not sure if we're ready for that yet, but it's fun to look. Don't judge me! Don't judge us, for that matter.
School starts August 24th! I'm coming, UNC. Actually, I'm intimidated. I'm worried for the course load and how I'm going to manage my time.
That's enough for today.
1. Overall Update
- Blog dynamics
- Corey
- Jon
2. Work and Life
Let's get started!
Sorry it's been a while. I'm not really apologizing to you guys... More so to myself. What's interesting about this blog is that I created it to get away from guilt... to not allow a past boyfriend to read what I was writing. This is pretty immature of me, I'll admit. But I don't plan to go back on my decision, even though he recently emailed me to tell me of his new blog. Maybe I felt a little shame at that, yeah... But this blog is ultimately for my own good.
Things with Jon are going well. I love the type of boyfriend I can see him becoming. With Darin, I constantly worried about our communication... I would also mention this to him, wondering if it would ever get better. What I realize now, though, is that it wasn't the communication that bothered me; it was the connection we didn't have. I just told myself it was communication because I needed a way to verbalize my problems with him.
With Jon, I have no preoccupations with fundamental disconnects in our relationship. There are stressful situations, sure, like how we both work often and maintain really busy lives. But we're making this work, and honestly, though I will never compare my first serious relationship with anyone else, (because they were different times in my life, and that makes them incomparable to me) I'm really enjoying how we get to see each other regularly (by this I mean there are only a couple days between the times I see him). I could live with this. ;P
But, life continues to keep me on my toes, and now I have something I need to get off my chest. Brace yourself.
Jon and I went to the beach 2 weeks ago, and on Friday night we stayed at his sister's apartment in Wilmington. She was out of town and we wanted to do stuff in that city the next day. So we're sitting on the couch and his mom calls him, and she starts to belittle him about not being there for his nephew and nieces (their mother just divorced [the nephew is 8, one niece is 2 and the other is 1] and is currently living with the rest of the family at home) because he works full-time and then goes straight to his room when he gets home. She tells him he needs to be there especially for the nephew, because there's no father-figure for him. Jon takes her criticism to heart, and when he gets off the phone and explains the situation to me, he starts crying. He and I talk about the things going on in his life, and I tell him I don't think he's as confident and he wants himself to be, and he's really just a boy being forced to grow up and be a father-figure too soon. A this, he turns around (his head was in my lap because I was stroking his hair) and looks at me and says "Jorden, I've been hiding something from you, and I really think you need to know what's been going on." At this my heart rate quickens, because I automatically think he's going to say he's been cheating on me or some other betrayal-type deal.
Instead, he continues with this: "Remember in October when you went to visit Corey?" To which I say, "Yeah, it was the 9th through the 14th, fall break. Why?" He responds, "Well, I had sex with someone while you were away." At this I'm relieved, because even though Jon and I had kissed by then, we hadn't done anything like have sex. I didn't consider this any type of betrayal, and let myself smile a little inside. I prepared to tell him this didn't matter to me, but he broke in: "I might be the father of this kid that's gonna be born in about 2 weeks." And my heart sinks. All I could do was stare at him, dumb-founded.
He goes on: "It's a girl, her name is going to be Emma. I haven't been able to ever be completely comfortable with you because I've been keeping this secret from you for so long. That's another reason why I didn't talk to you in December... the mom, Sarah, texted me saying 'you got me pregnant,' and I couldn't deal with that stress on top of us not being together anymore. I have this fucking illegitimate child and I couldn't bear to think of how you'd respond. But you and my mom keep mentioning being a father-figure, and every time you say that, it makes me feel worse. You know how you kept saying that I haven't been myself this week? That's why. Sarah texted me on Sunday simply saying '3 weeks' and it's been eating at me all this time." By now, he's sobbing. I can't look at him anymore and shift my body away to focus on the coffee table in front of me.
"I've been trying to get to know Sarah but she won't let me. She'll text me one week saying 'I don't want you in my child's life' and then the next week say 'you better help me with this child.'" The words rush out of his mouth, hurried and strained. I still can't make eye contact with him. He keeps talking to fill the silence. "But, I've seen her 4 times since October, and over those few times she's told me I am 1 of 3 potential fathers. She had unprotected sex with her ex-boyfriend, and unprotected sex with another guy. I used a condom." I'm not sure whether to allow myself to relax or not. This entire time I've been thinking about the difficulties he would face having to support this psycho mom and her illegit kid. "Well fuck" is what I keep thinking, over and over. I finally am able to speak to him: "So what's your plan?" I ask, careful not to let my shock seep into my tone. "I hope to financially support her and her child as well as I can, and I want to be there for the kid. for Emma. I don't want to have anything to do with the mom, but the kid, yeah."
He and I are silent for moments. I finally turn and look at him, and smile. I've decided this isn't a big enough to deal for me to be as stressed as I am. He literally only has an 8% chance or less of being the father.
"When will you do a paternity test?" I ask, trying to sound upbeat and nonchalant, like we both know it'll come back negative. I want to cheer him up. "As soon as I can." is his answer. "Then we don't have anything to worry about right now," I soothe. One stressed out person is enough to deal with. I decide to put my thoughts away until he's asleep, and then ponder what all this could mean for us. Later on he tells me he hadn't imagined our conversation going the way it did, and had originally planned out everything he was going to say and how he was going to say it. He had been waiting for the right time, when our relationship was strong enough to where I would be open-minded but not long enough for me to feel guilt about walking away. Before we went to bed, he asked, "So you're not going to leave me?" Wrongly deciding on sarcasm, I respond: "I have to get home somehow," and flash a wry smile. He cringes. "That's what I'm most afraid of." I frown, realizing he's not ready to make fun of the situation, and reassure him that I don't plan on leaving any time soon.
Well hello there, reality. Thanks for bringing me back.
The baby is due 1 week from today. I'm assuming Jon will do testing soon after she's born. The results may take a few weeks, though. You can't pray for a biological miracle. You can pray for peace of mind, though.
Back to insignificance.
The doctor said I have tendinitis in my left ankle. I haven't started the Ibuprofen (or Alleve) yet. I've had pain for at least 6 months... But I'm not big on going to the doctor.
I'm working 3 jobs this summer. I plan to put all money from 2 of them into savings, 100 into my high-interest savings account each month, and the rest will be spending money. This is my attempt at becoming financially responsible.
Speaking of which, Jon and I briefly glanced at apartments that would be convenient for both of us. I'm not sure if we're ready for that yet, but it's fun to look. Don't judge me! Don't judge us, for that matter.
School starts August 24th! I'm coming, UNC. Actually, I'm intimidated. I'm worried for the course load and how I'm going to manage my time.
That's enough for today.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Now The Update
All right.
I'mma just post a conversation I had with a friend. That'll sum it up more easily.
Mateo
so hows things?
talk with boy at all about the stuff we talked about?
JJ ex oh ex oh
when did you and i last talk?
Mateo
idk, couple 3 4 days ago
JJ ex oh ex oh
kk
friday night he told me he was going to fall in love with me soon
he was a lil post-drunk
Mateo
drunk person words are a sober persons thoughts
JJ ex oh ex oh
saturday night we went to a party together, i got drunk (DRUNK) off of one 7% berr
hahh
Mateo
jesus
JJ ex oh ex oh
i know.
sunday he told me he was truly in love with me (we were laying in bed)
i didn't say it back
yesterday he told me he was still absolutely in love with me
and i said even after one day?
and he said yes
JJ ex oh ex oh
hahhhhahah
but i didn't say it back
the end?
Mateo
jeeze, lol
JJ ex oh ex oh
yah
Mateo
so hows things going with that awkwardness
JJ ex oh ex oh
it's not awkward at all
i think that while i love him, i'm not in love with him
but he says that you "love" your friends and family
but are "in love" with your significant other
so if i told him i loved him, it wouldn't be significant to him
almost like a kick in the balls
JJ ex oh ex oh
but i KNOW i'm not in love with him
and i don't wanna lie to him, or bullshit him
like things were starting to be good for me, like a level i could handle
but now this is here
and it's like hey, what's up, let's up this whole committment/intimate thing
intimacy* would be proper grammar
i spelled commitment wrong
damn it
Mateo
not worried about spelling right now
JJ ex oh ex oh
i am!
Mateo
so not majorly worried, but it is in your mind, correct?
JJ ex oh ex oh
so that's where we're at. and we have really intimate moments, which i adore.
uhm well
i don't feel pressured to say it back
and he knows i won't until i want to
so i guess i'm glad he's open with me?
Mateo
but you feel kinda bad that hes thrown himself out there and you havent
JJ ex oh ex oh
exactly
i feel like i need to be more open with him, even on a general basis
i wish i could allow myself to be vulnerable
but i'm too protected
i truly want to put myself out there for him, but i can't
idk why
but i just stay so closed
JJ ex oh ex oh
he says constantly that he gets butterflies when talking to me
JJ ex oh ex oh
sometimes when i'm about to turn into his driveway, or when i'm waiting for him somewhere. like i'm excited to see him
i mean i want to feel romantic, intimate butterflies with him
i'm just happy
overwhelmingly happy
like last night
this is cute
JJ ex oh ex oh
we're going to the beach in a couple weeks and we're driving down together. he says he wants to drive because then he can drive us both back up here to my graduation, because he wants to come
and him saying that made me so happy, i cried
Hmm. Whatcha think guys?
I'mma just post a conversation I had with a friend. That'll sum it up more easily.
Mateo
so hows things?
talk with boy at all about the stuff we talked about?
JJ ex oh ex oh
when did you and i last talk?
Mateo
idk, couple 3 4 days ago
JJ ex oh ex oh
kk
friday night he told me he was going to fall in love with me soon
he was a lil post-drunk
Mateo
drunk person words are a sober persons thoughts
JJ ex oh ex oh
saturday night we went to a party together, i got drunk (DRUNK) off of one 7% berr
hahh
Mateo
jesus
JJ ex oh ex oh
i know.
sunday he told me he was truly in love with me (we were laying in bed)
i didn't say it back
yesterday he told me he was still absolutely in love with me
and i said even after one day?
and he said yes
JJ ex oh ex oh
hahhhhahah
but i didn't say it back
the end?
Mateo
jeeze, lol
JJ ex oh ex oh
yah
Mateo
so hows things going with that awkwardness
JJ ex oh ex oh
it's not awkward at all
i think that while i love him, i'm not in love with him
but he says that you "love" your friends and family
but are "in love" with your significant other
so if i told him i loved him, it wouldn't be significant to him
almost like a kick in the balls
JJ ex oh ex oh
but i KNOW i'm not in love with him
and i don't wanna lie to him, or bullshit him
like things were starting to be good for me, like a level i could handle
but now this is here
and it's like hey, what's up, let's up this whole committment/intimate thing
intimacy* would be proper grammar
i spelled commitment wrong
damn it
Mateo
not worried about spelling right now
JJ ex oh ex oh
i am!
Mateo
so not majorly worried, but it is in your mind, correct?
JJ ex oh ex oh
so that's where we're at. and we have really intimate moments, which i adore.
uhm well
i don't feel pressured to say it back
and he knows i won't until i want to
so i guess i'm glad he's open with me?
Mateo
but you feel kinda bad that hes thrown himself out there and you havent
JJ ex oh ex oh
exactly
i feel like i need to be more open with him, even on a general basis
i wish i could allow myself to be vulnerable
but i'm too protected
i truly want to put myself out there for him, but i can't
idk why
but i just stay so closed
JJ ex oh ex oh
he says constantly that he gets butterflies when talking to me
JJ ex oh ex oh
sometimes when i'm about to turn into his driveway, or when i'm waiting for him somewhere. like i'm excited to see him
i mean i want to feel romantic, intimate butterflies with him
i'm just happy
overwhelmingly happy
like last night
this is cute
JJ ex oh ex oh
we're going to the beach in a couple weeks and we're driving down together. he says he wants to drive because then he can drive us both back up here to my graduation, because he wants to come
and him saying that made me so happy, i cried
Hmm. Whatcha think guys?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)