I'm writing again! =) I should be using this time to work on school but I'm more entertained by the idea of getting down all that I need to say to myself and my journalistic desire to record everything I go through so I can appreciate where I am at one day. Or maybe I'll just think this is stupid, and I was being childish. Who knows?
Outline for you:
1. Jon's drinking and our relationship
2. UNC and work
Let's begin.
So our relationship - going well, but we have a lot of things to work out. I always had issues with being left out or not being invited to social things when I was in high school. Even though I was wildly popular, whenever there was a single tiny get-together and I didn't know about it, I would fixate and become extremely depressed because I felt like people didn't like me or want to be around me. Now fast-forward to college. I'm 18, and I don't have a fake ID. I live with a 22 year old and a 23 year old, both guys. Both of them drink, although Jon drinks because he likes the taste and whatever, while Trey drinks because Jon drinks. I don't like the taste of beer, and I was raised in a household where drinking alcohol was a taboo topic because of salient alcoholism on both sides of the family. Now that I'm living with Jon, his drinking is starting to get to me. At first I just disliked when he went out with his friends to bars, and I couldn't go because I was too young and most of the bars here don't allow 18 and up, even if you are the intended DD. So I would huff and sulk and pout and then get angry that he would be out having fun and I couldn't come with him, and the same insecurities from high school came back. From there, I started to hate how he acted when he was ranging from slightly tipsy to pretty damn intoxicated. When he started to bring the alcohol home, constantly stocking the fridge with either Bud Light or Blue Moon, I came to dread whenever he would open one and drink it, regardless of the circumstance or time.
Then our neighbors started inviting themselves over. Mikayla is a heavy drinker, and Robert (they're both early to mid-twenties) would always come over with a beer in hand. Robert has a 4 year old son, named Peyton, who is honestly the cutest child you can imagine; huge blue eyes, shaggy blonde hair, innocent and loving to show off. I would steal that child in a heartbeat. And that's where my dislike of them began. They would smoke and drink even when Peyton was in the room with them, and this made me so angry that I stopped hanging out with them when they came over. Once they started inviting themselves over to drink and smoke, my disdain for them was mixed with Jon's drinking, and I would stop coming downstairs and being any sort of affectionate to Jon at all. I started telling him that if he drank even one sip of alcohol, I wouldn't kiss him for the rest of the night.
And I didn't. He cried one night when I refused to even come into contact with him. But I was so mad at him for excluding me (because I don't like beer) and our neighbors for ignoring and leaving their child alone that I didn't care. I was sick of it, and so the arguments started. I didn't want to tell Jon that my disdain of alcohol stemmed from being left out, and not necessarily the taste, because I thought he would just say I was being dumb and wouldn't understand that being left out hits deep for me.
(A similar thing was happening with smoking, too. I hated how he acted when he was high unless I was high, too. But he would smoke when I wasn't home, and so I would get back from working to find him either stoned off his ass and giddy or tipsy and annoying, neither of which I wanted to deal with after having to go to school and then go straight to work.)
We still have this issue. We went to Tennessee for our 6-month (his parents have a house up there) and talked all the way up, while we were there, and all the way back down. I think we resolved a lot of issues but I still hate the thought of him smoking or drinking. I already don't like going to parties with him because he doesn't understand how to act when you bring your serious girlfriend to a party, and I feel even more left out than if I'd stayed at home. That's not how a relationship should be, you know? I want to feel like I'm both important to him and that he wants me to enjoy what he's enjoying, but neither of those wishes are happening.
I don't know what to do. I try to talk to guy friends about it but they don't really get where I'm coming from. Marena is being crazy and a whore so I have separated myself from that hot mess. I guess I need to take a moment out to talk with Kailie... Maybe next weekend when Jon is gone for a few days. That might be good. I just need to come up with a solution soon. I hate that I hate what he's doing... But he's also not trying to change. He told me directly that his drinking habits were never going to change, and I told him neither was my attitude. Where do we go from here? It's killing me.
2. UNC is nice, I guess. Classes are insanely hard... Way harder than I thought they would be. My highest grade (besides papers, which are nothing) is an 84. Ouch. This is coming from the girl who has a 3.8 at her last college. I really feel like I've been slapped in the face by reality... And how I'm not actually as smart as I thought I was. I finally quit my job at Champps so that I'll have more time for school. My last day is Halloween morning! That's only 3 shifts away, because I'm working tonight, a double tomorrow, and then my final shift on Sunday morning. I'm going to try to make as much money as possible, and the scheduling manager, Dan, said I could call him 2 weeks before I decide that I want to work for them again (so I'll be going back over Christmas break). Dad has offered to give me several hundred dollars a month so that I can still pay for rent and have some spending money left over.
Oh! I forgot one more update. I went to a tanning bed on Thursday. =P It was a little awkward and kind of scary because I wasn't sure what to expect but I think I like it! I did a hydration massage and red light therapy on the same day, too. I plan to go again (tanning) on Sunday and then do the three spa service sets again on Monday (I'm going to try to start tanning every few days, because I've been looking really pale in comparison to the other girls here at UNC.
That's all for now. It's time for class. See ya! Nice chat.
